Episode 4 - 'Those' people

I recently became one of 'those' people.  One of those annoying mothers disturbing the peace of the other patrons of a coffee shop with her noisy and unruly offspring.

I used to hate 'those' people with a passion.  I would look across at her, roll my eyes and think, “Can’t she just control her children?”  And God forbid she was meeting a friend, in which case there would be two lots of mess and crazy happening, and from my safe and childfree perch in the world, I would judge away, feeling extremely superior while promising myself “I will NEVER be one of 'those' people...”

It happened.  For the very first time since becoming a mother of two, I ventured out solo to the shops the other day.  After frantically racing around with my double pram, I accomplished all my tasks and decided to reward myself and my boys with a break at a coffee shop.  In hindsight, I should have just gone home, but as every parent knows, when your children behave well for more than 20 minutes, you forget they’re capable of evil.

So I sat at the innocent coffee shop, ordered a muffin and opened a juice box for my 2 year old, who we call Smudge.  While I arranged myself for the near-impossible task of breast feeding the baby in public without flashing every unsuspecting passerby, my talented son sucked juice up through his bendy straw, started a siphon effect, put the juice box down and giggled merrily as the juice began to empty itself all over the table and onto the floor.  I sat helpless on the other side of the table, breast feeding and pinned to my chair.  I hissed empty threats at Smudge, who was well aware I was unable to stop the juicy mess because that would require me to pull the baby off the boob, deal with his screaming and lean over the table in a crowded place with my breast hanging out.

Fortunately for me, a kind Samaritan at the next table came over and straightened the straw, stopping the apple and blackcurrant flow.  He even went to the counter and brought back napkins to mop up the mess.  I couldn’t have thanked him more profusely if he had donated me a kidney.

Just then, my friend arrived with her 2 year old and baby to join us for a cuppa.  Something to note here: ordinary maths does not apply to kids.  2 kids plus 2 kids does NOT equal twice the mess and noise.  It’s more like 2 plus 2 equals 22.

The two toddlers began to immediately argue loudly over the ownership of a care bear, while my friend’s baby disintegrated a muffin into small gooey pieces.  The fight escalated when Smudge threw the care bear over the back of the bench seating, inducing my friend’s toddler into a scream which caused the light fixtures to rattle.  To placate her, a baby-chino was produced.  Said baby-chino was promptly spilt, joining the muffin and juice melee on the table and floor.  An empty baby-chino cup meant more screaming, so a second one was ordered.  And then spilt as well. 

By now, the floor under the table was beginning to resemble a strange, underground lake, and the atmosphere of the coffee shop has turned distinctively frosty.  My friend and I decided to call it a day and strapped our disgruntled and dirty kids back into their strollers.  My only plan was to escape as fast as I could before having to face any of the cafe staff, but one arrived before I could scarper.  She brought a mop and a bucket and a look on her face that clearly read, “Just so you know, I’m a trained barista, not a cleaner.”

So now I know, and I’ll never judge 'those' people again.  Spread the word, be kind to people like us.  After all, we were once like you...